Ha! No, I kid. Actually, the tiny ragamuffin is carrying a bulky cardboard box with built-in handles and filled with cheap-ass chocolate in a familiar white-and-foil wrapping.
It's fund-raising time again.
And it's a little misleading to say "cheap-ass chocolate" when this relatively thin brick of cocoa sets me back a buck. A buck! As Lopez pointed out, I could get a couple of Kit Kats out of the machine for not much more. Heck, a Twix even.
But I understand - kids need T-shirts. I needed T-shirts too, y'know. A bright yellow one, and a dark red cap to bring the whole ensemble together because I would've looked pretty dorky to be the only one in the parade wearing Garanimals. It was bad enough looking dorky in seventh and eighth grade anyway (I won't even get into the high school years), but looking dorky while tooting on your trombone is even worse.
I wish that last part was just a euphemism.
To pay for all this spiffy wardrobe, I had to sell candy. Lots and lots of candy. And, amazingly to me, the exact same candy Little Frankie just shook me down for! If anyone from the World's Finest Chocolate company is reading, I'm ready. I want to be a part of your worldwide choco-mafia. I want to give the word to my middle school lieutenants, sending my little soldiers to the streets armed with our humorously misnamed wares and almond bombs. Like your wrapper says, you've been fund raising since 1949. Time-Warner and Ticketmaster are a bunch of amateurs. Teach me, my dark masters ...
Back to the story: In my day, I sold a lot of chocolate. It's not that I was a great salesman or anything, I just did a lot of walking. And I'm sure my parents and family and all their friends did their part. And I sold a lot to people at school, who were supposed to be selling their own candies. Honestly, I don't know how we made any money.
But I suppose we did, because when the Thanksgiving parade came around we knew how to play "Cherry Rock" and bravely wore our thin yellow T-shirts under our heavy coats because it was snowing. We got a little pin of whatever instrument we played, too, and that was kind of cool.
It was better than Spring, because that's when we suddenly dropped chocolate for laminated posters. Lame, lame posters. That didn't sell for crap.
So when I see a kid trying to unload a box full of overpriced sweets, I'm only too happy to shell out some bucks if I've got it on me. Even though I've been called ... what's the word? ... oh, cheap. Memory has faded on many things, but not on days filled with sweaty dollar bills and the stress of a closed door. Frankie didn't say why he needed the dough, but he's welcome to it.
Besides, there's a coupon for Sonic on the back of the wrapper. And that's better than a kick in the nuts.
3 comments:
Oh man. I guffawed, GUFFAWED, while reading this one. I was blissfully ignorant of the fundraiser. The few times I was supposed to sell peanut brittle or what-have-you I just didn't even try. That's the story of my life. Try to make me do something I don't want to and I will not buck, I will not make a fuss, I just will not do it.
I didn't have a trombone to toot though. There was no Lego club. I tried the chess club in middle school, but got kicked out because, well, let's just say I tooted something before practices.
Why? Why has Garanimals not realized yet that they could CLEAN UP with an adult line? If ONLY I could know I'd be well dressed if I just match rhino to rhino...
I didn't have a buck or I'da given Frankie one. I felt like a total schlub, it didn't help that mom was standing there looking disapprovingly at me like I was some kind of kid-hating bastard. I don't carry cash. This is the age of the debit card. You'd think the choco-mafia would give those kids little satellite card swipers by now.
I did BUY a metric ton of band and whatever other group's fundraising candy though. I was a very chubby kid and you couldn't keep me away from a big old chunky chocolate bar. I probably kept half the band in their crappy, thin, yellow t-shirts. Did ANYBODY buy the posters? I might have picked up a Garfield poster once--maybe.
So what kinda deal does this Sonic coupon get you? I'd have to know that before I could evaluate whether it beat a game of ro-sham-bo with Cartman.
Buy one burger, get one free! I think Frankie might've gotten the raw end on this one, even though cheese and bacon are extra. Hm. Does it even count as a burger without cheese and bacon?
And you totally made me think of Chunkies! Do you remember those? I wonder if they still make them.
I think I bought two posters myself - a surfer poster and something else I've apparently blocked from memory. They were overrun by Iron Maiden posters pretty quickly, though. "You take my life but I'll take yours, too! Nah nah nah nah!"
Damn, ok, that does beat a kick in the nuts by a long shot. The choco-mafia must have some Sonic stock or something…
When I was happily downing such things, I actually sometimes enjoyed the stripped-down, just-a-burger™ from Whataburger. However, everything tastes better with cheese and bacon—everything.
Ha! I actually had Chunkies in mind when I was describing the candy bars, because they were my favorite back then (again, is it any wonder that I myself was chunky?). I still buy them occasionally and they are still fantastic. They aren't everywhere, they're about as prevalent as the Zero bar.
"You fire your musket, but I'll run you through! And as you're waiting for the next attack, stand your ground there's no turning back!"
I'm not even admitting to the primary posters that replaced Garfield on my walls. No way, no how. I did have an Eddie poster and a Live After Death tee shirt though.
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